Missing me

I miss my 8 year old me. I miss being completely myself. I miss being enough for myself.
It seems to get harder to choose for myself the more people I get to know. It has been me doing what someone else would do, too often. I lost myself. Well, partly. I think way too often about what others would do.

I want to meet me again.

I want to find out what I really like; what makes me happy and cures my boredom. I miss actually wanting to actively do something, the bike rides, and roller skate trips with my friends.

I remember sitting on the side of a road on a little hill with two of my best friends at that time, looking at the landscape and just talk. About anything. It’s been a while since I’ve done that. The road and the landscape are still the same but the three girls have changed.

I miss telling my best friend/neighbour who’s just waked me up by ringing the doorbell at 7am that I’ll meet her in 10 minutes. My mom wants that I have breakfast first.

But maybe I don’t miss that 8 year old me. I might actually miss the sense of belonging. The calls on the house phone if anyone wants to play. The knowledge that there will be fun things to do after school. I could walk over to my best friend if I’m bored and we’d find something to do. I miss being completely me and knowing where I belong. But I also miss my neighbour. She has been in my life/friend for the first 16 years, untill decisions had to be made, school and work got more important. The focus shifted. I haven’t had a proper laugh or conversation with her for 3 years. I guess it’s time to catch up again.